Review, reflect & rework: Ramadan reminders to build resilient marriages
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and the interviewee. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of IMPROF.
قالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلّمَ): ما بُنِيَ بِناءَ فِي الإِسْلامِ أَحَبُّ إِلى اللهِ عَزَّ وَجَلّ مِنَ التَّزْوِيجِ.
The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, "There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more loved by Allah, (The Greatest and Noblest) than marriage."
This hadith highlights the emphasis that Allah (SWT) and His Messenger (SAW) have placed on the institution of marriage in Islam. However, no marriage is shy of ordeals. While many couples focus on preparing for the wedding, from finding the right venue to getting matching outfits, many overlook the need to be ready for The Marriage. The key to resilience when facing marital conflicts lies in sustaining the spark in the marriage.
In the new world order created by Covid-19, the enforcement of measures such as the circuit-breaker can potentially strain a couple’s marriage. This might be the first time many modern, dual-income couples find themselves in each other’s presence for a prolonged period. The abrupt switch to a work-from-home situation necessitates having to witness each other’s idiosyncrasies, without the respite of going out to work. The arrival of Ramadan means making conscientious efforts to practise sabr. Under such novel circumstances, how can couples make the most of this opportunity to build stronger ties and strengthen their marriage?
The IM.Press team had a chat with Nasrin Shah, a professional Counsellor working closely with married couples, on her observation of trends and behaviours in Indian Muslim marriages in Singapore over her 5 years of practice. She sheds light on the common pitfalls and habits that couples can adopt.
Can you share a real-life example of a case you handled and what were some root issues?
There was a case of a couple that had been married for 3 years. Alhamdulillah, it was great the couple agreed to counselling given the stigma against it in the community.
During the counselling process, they started off by doing a quiz on the 5 Love Languages, a concept theorised by Gary Chapman. At this stage, they were made to process different life scenarios and discuss them out loud in relation to each other’s primary love language. It is important to learn to know and speak the love language of the spouse as it fills up the emotional ‘tank' that is essential for all of us. This particular activity itself can be truly enlightening as it surfaces couples’ misunderstandings, lack of awareness of each other’s needs and knowing each other's love languages actually does wonders in the marriage. This stage is critical in clearing the air with regard to misunderstandings.
During the later stages of the counselling process, we tried to get to the root of the problem. The wife voiced out that her husband would sometimes push her on the back and handle her more aggressively than she was comfortable with. The husband actually didn’t see this as problematic behaviour as he was accustomed to seeing his father behave in a similar manner. The husband needed guidance on what was acceptable during his physical interactions with his wife, from an external, objective third-party. Once we made him realise his mistake, he expressed remorse.
They also had to work on their expectations and understanding of the roles each other played in the marriage. As a traditional Indian Muslim, he felt that his wife should be the primary care-giver of their children. While he played and bonded with the children, the wife expected him to play a far more extensive role in this aspect
In this instance, the wife had to re-evaluate her expectations. Were her expectations reasonable to her husband? It was important to make the couple realise that parenting is a joint responsibility that required partnership and filling in for each other.
The couple’s positive attitude towards counselling also made a big difference in the outcomes achieved. By taking the sessions seriously through regular attendance, the couple was able to salvage their marriage.
What are common issues observed amongst Muslim couples in Singapore?
Communication is one aspect that can be improved among Muslim couples in Singapore. When faced with conflict, both the husband and the wife must work on developing skills that allow them to respond to their partner’s troubles effectively. Neither should nag one another or resort to harmful behaviour that might impede a constructive approach to addressing the issues at hand.
A conflict can escalate when negative behaviour is resorted to, instead of taking a calm and level-headed approach.
Nasrin tells us, these are some forms of negativity that she has observed through her counselling practice:
- using sarcasm
- using vulgarities (especially amongst younger couples)
- blaming through extensive use of the pronoun “you”
- refusing to compromise and retorting
- raising one’s voice to assert dominance
- being reactive
- provoking the spouse with choice of words
When it comes to attaining effective communication skills through professional counselling, we must guide couples on how to resolve conflicts differently; how to express themselves positively and mitigate all of the above.
Avoiding the use of “you” is important as it becomes an easy trigger. Couples need to avoid the tendency to argue, scream and shout too as these do not contribute to conflict resolution. Instead of reacting, take a time out session, and then revisit the issue. Body language, facial cues and other nonverbal cues must be paid attention to during arguments.
“Women today have a more egalitarian expectation of the role men play in the family. ”
The second reason for issues is unspoken expectations, especially for couples with children. In a Muslim context, men often have the mindset, “I only need to ensure you have clothing, food and shelter. That’s my sole responsibility as a provider.” There is a lot of misconception that Islam requires the man to be the provider and the woman to be the caretaker. We need to take into consideration, context. The modern economy has evolved such that both men and women work to support their families. The radical shift in the role that women play in the domestic sphere can be observed in the differences of the last two generations and the present one. “Why can’t you help send the kids to school? Why can’t you help wake up the kids?” are areas women tend to flag. Women today have a more egalitarian expectation of the role men play in the family.
It is worth noting that the best of mankind, Prophet Muhammad (SAW), was reported to have helped out at home as recorded in the following Hadith. It has been narrated in Sahih Bukhari that once Hazrat Aisha was asked: “What did the Prophet (SAW) do in his house?” She replied: “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time for prayer he would go for it.”
There is a need in this scenario to address shared responsibilities. If couples merely discuss this issue without taking any action, then the bitter aftertaste of the problem lingers, and rears its ugly head when emotions run amok.
What can couples do today?
In addition to the advice stated above, as Muslims, it is important to make dua together, for good, pious children who will be the coolness of their parents’ eyes, for instance. There are duas to ask for healthier bonding with one’s spouse too. You cannot just wait for Allah SWT to pour His mercy on your marriage, without putting in any effort. The Quran speaks of the principles of Sakinah, Mawaddah and Rahmah which mean peace, love and mercy respectively. These principles in essence highlight that we must show love to one another, spend quality time together and be humble enough to apologise when necessary and move on. Do exercise patience with each other. It also implies that if arguments lead to no goodness, don’t instigate one another.
بَارَكَ اللهُ لَكَ، وَبَارَكَ عَلَيْكَ، وَجَمَعَ بَيْنَكُمَا فِي خَيْر
It is a common practice among Muslims to print the well-known marriage dua, بَارَكَ اللهُ لَكَ، وَبَارَكَ عَلَيْكَ، وَجَمَعَ بَيْنَكُمَا فِي خَيْر (Meaning:“Allah bless you, and may He send blessings upon you, and may He unite you both in good.”) on wedding cards or frame them on the bedroom wall but one must put in effort for the dua to materialise.
Muslim couples can certainly draw much inspiration and practical lessons from the Holy Qurán which Allah SWT revealed through his messengers so that mankind would be guided. One useful resource that has compiled instances from the Qurán on how prophets dealt with challenges amicably with their spouses is Yahya Ibrahim’s “Love Stories from the Quran”. One example that stands out is that of the Prophet Ayub (A.S.). “When the wife of Ayyub alaihissalam came and asked him to make du’a to Allah, he said that if she kept on asking him like that, he would refuse to see her, and he was going to lash her. He lost all his patience. … His wife did not leave though. He understood. She had taught him a lesson of true love and sacrifice (when he reflected) that this (was his) wife whom (he) allowed to suffer when Allah has given (him) the power to ask”
The distress caused by financial difficulties made Ayyub (A.S) recognise that Allah (SWT) had indeed blessed him with a loyal companion who would stand by him in times of adversity. These are attributes modern couples today can emulate and make their marriages more resilient.
Moreover, as human beings, it is easy to forget to overlook the good in the little things. Couples generally encounter incessant complaining and fault-finding with each other. This usually stems from a lack of and the expression of gratitude to each other. Remember to actively thank your spouse regularly for what they do for you and the family, without waiting for a special occasion.
At the end of the day every couple is unique. Hence, celebrate each other’s strengths and work on those weaknesses.
For Tamil-speaking counselling services, contact 8569 4909.